As social habits evolve, we sought to learn how people are making friends

calluna vulgaris sir richrd steele and deems taylor douglas moore both moved to Calgary several years agone. 

Steele came from Ireland, while Moore moved from Manitoba.

Steele knew no one in Calgary, while Moore had a couple of acquaintances.

Wanting to make friends, they downloaded an app called Bumble BFF, which pairs people up who are looking for platonic friendship. 

It functions similar to a dating app. You build a profile, where you can describe yourself and your interests. You can then swipe right or left on other profiles. A swipe right means you want to chat with that user, and a swipe left is a polite pass. 

Steele and Moore both swiped right on each other, chatted on the app, and then had their first outing together at Trolley 5 Brewpub on 17th Avenue.

They had instant chemistry and three years later, remain close. 

“She was my first Bumble BFF date,” Moore said. “She was by far the greatest one ... Sometimes you meet someone, you have that instantaneous connection.”

“We hit it off right away, and we haven’t stopped hanging out since,” Steele said.

She said there are distinct advantages to swiping for friendship, such as having a general idea of who the person is before you actually meet them. 

“You can see some of those qualities,” Steele explained. “We both had lived abroad. We had similar interests, like hiking. Taylor snowboards. I snowboard. It’s skipping a little bit of the early conversation so you can be like, ‘OK, this person and I have a few things in common.’”

Call it the modern way to make new friends, as apps (including AI ones designed to simulate friendship) have become a (digital) way where people socialize, replacing in-person gatherings. 

The term "third place" was first coined by the sociologist Ray Oldenburg in the 1980s. It’s a space beyond home and work where people can gather and socialize. Third places include everything from religious gatherings to cafés to bars to gyms.

The challenge is that fewer and fewer Canadians are in those third places. Attendance at religious gatherings is declining, and remote work has changed where and how we interact with each other. 

Some experts think the decline of third places has contributed to increased rates of loneliness and social isolation. According to Statistics Canada, in 2021 more than one in 10 Canadians reported they always or often feel lonely. And loneliness often goes hand in hand with worse mental health, the report says.

Why are so many people lonely?

This comes as Canadians spend more time on screens. In 2018, 27 per cent of adults spent over four hours per day on screens. Three years later, that number had increased to 37 per cent. 

“Time spent on screens often replaces deeper, in-person connections,” explained Dan Devoe, a professor in Mount Royal University’s psychology department. “Then there’s social comparison going on. We’re constantly online, and we’re exposed to these curated, fantasy versions of other people's lives, which can make it feel like everyone else is way more connected than we are.”

A quick search of the Reddit Calgary community shows that in the past year, there have been dozens of variations of the question: “How do you meet people?”

“The biggest misconception is that friendships are about personality,” he said. “It’s not. It’s about two things: repetition and proximity. The best thing you can do is put yourself out there in situations where you can see the same people regularly, so a class, a gym, a volunteer group. It could even be a pub.”

Statistics Canada data suggests people are spending less time with friends than before

“I love making friends at bars,” said Andrew McAuley, who was enjoying a cold beverage on a warm spring evening. “I think it’s just about recognizing that everybody that might be here by themselves is already looking for a friend.” 

Coleby Charlesworth was sitting with McAuley and had a simple formula for making a friend: “Introduce yourself. You ask what brings someone else out doing the exact same thing you are and find common ground."

Sports can be another avenue for friendship.

The Calgary Sport and Social Club was formed, in part, to bring people together through athletics. Leagues are both competitive and fun, and bring out people from different demographics and backgrounds. 

“You get to be competitive through the winning and the losing, and you do it together,” said Shane Mantik, who organizes beach volleyball. “With team sports especially, you’re forced to play together, have each other’s backs if there’s mistakes, and if you win, then you get to go out and celebrate together. Even if you lose, you can go celebrate together.”

The issue of making friends goes beyond finding someone to hang out with on a Friday night.

As Devoe explained, it's "strongly tied to depression and anxiety and poor physical health."

But loneliness, he said, "doesn’t just affect individuals."

A recent paper from Berkeley University, “The Economics of Loneliness,” found that it has an impact well north of hundreds of billions of dollars. 

That includes pressure on health care systems and burnout, leading to lower productivity at work.

"It isn’t just about feeling lonely. It’s a public health issue and a social stability issue," Devoe explained.

"At the societal level, it starts to affect how we relate to one another. Lonelier people tend to trust others less, which can weaken that social connection that we have. It can also increase polarization. We see that a lot in media and social media, because when people are feeling disconnected, they look for some sort of sense of belonging. Sometimes they find that sense of belonging in extreme groups."

Reporter

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