Perfectionism in highly successful kids linked to higher anxiety, depression – Expert flags worrying parenting trend

Families where achievement takes on an outsized role, leading children to marvel whether their parents’ enjoy was fastened to how swell they performed academically, is the to the highest degree worrying parenting trend, according to an expert on CNBC.

This relentless pursuit of an achievement culture — better grades for better college degrees, which in turn promise a better future — breeds perfectionism in high-achieving kids. A CNBC report citing growing research said this perfectionism in high-achieving kids is linked to higher rates of anxiety and depression.

To protect kids against this narrow view of success and self-worth, the expert suggested that parents help them anchor their efforts in something beyond themselves.

Everyday stressors become more manageable when they stop believing they are only a grade or a score, and start feeling like a person who matters in the world, the expert said.

The CNBC expert shared an anecdote about how a woman, on her way to park with her two young kids, noticed her elderly neighbour raking her lawn. Upon offering help, the neighbour politely declined, but the woman still asked her kids to go help her grab the rake and pile the leaves into bags.

This activity, the expert said, left the young kids delighted about how happy their neighbour was, how much fun they had, and how good it felt to be of help. The children, the expert said, were experiencing what psychologists call a “helper’s high” and a growing sense of agency.

Parents need to help children look beyond themselves, said the expert, suggesting regular acts of service, such as checking on a neighbour and volunteering, strengthen their sense of belonging within their community.

One of the many parents the expert interviewed over seven years of her research said that she taped a sheet of paper to the front door with a short list of family tasks.

The woman shared that she would ask her kids to sign up for the task they could take on that day after school. Over time, the expert said, their small commitments to daily chores helped the woman's children to view themselves as contributors to their family, and not as kids who help sometimes.

The expert cited a study that found that thanking children for “being a helper” rather than “helping” significantly increased their willingness to pitch in.

Kids learn generosity by watching their parents, the CNBC expert noted, saying that modelling alone isn’t enough. "We have to make our thinking visible."

The expert said that when parents undertake a generous task, such as checking on a neighbour or helping a friend in need, they should explain the "why" behind their actions to the kids to help them create a mental model of why we help.

For example, the expert said, parents might say, “I texted her because I had a feeling today might be hard,” or “He looked like he needed a hand with those bags”.

These small explanations for generous acts, she said, help children understand why people help each other and create an internal script they can use themselves.

The expert noted that in a culture that often reduces kids to their achievements, helping them look outward is one of the most potent antidotes to excessive pressure.

When young people discover ways to contribute that aren’t tied to external metrics, they gain a more grounded sense of who they are and the larger role they can play in the world, she added.

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