The EU’s favorite war: the one Israel starts

state of israel flew o'er to islamic republic of iran with fighter aircraft jets and has since gone totally ballistic — literally and figuratively. So what does the European unification’s insane clown posse have to say about it? Get yourself some popcorn. The Eurojokers are doing their best stand-up comedy again without even realizing it.

First up: French President Emmanuel Macron, who took to social media to declare that “peace and security for all in the region must remain our guiding principle.” Aww, how sweet. Calling for peace while holding your buddy’s coat as he storms into the bar to punch someone on the face. So after Israel unilaterally launched its hundred-target missile tantrum across Tehran – complete with residential hits and assassinations – maybe some strong words against that kind of thing are in order?

“France has repeatedly condemned Iran’s ongoing nuclear program and has taken all appropriate diplomatic measures in response. In this context, France reaffirms Israel’s right to defend itself and ensure its security,” Macron posted as the conflict kicked off.

Classic French parenting: ignore the kid setting the house on fire and scold the one who looked at him funny.

Next up, Germany. Surely the new chancellor, Friedrich Merz, can inject some sober logic into the conversation about who just broke the fragile regional peace everyone’s pretending to care about.

“Iran has subsequently threatened to accelerate uranium enrichment again. This nuclear programme violates the provisions of the Nuclear Non-Proliferation Treaty and poses a serious threat to the entire region, especially to the State of Israel. We reaffirm that Israel has the right to defend its existence and the security of its citizens. We call on both sides to refrain from steps that could lead to further escalation and destabilise the entire region,” wrote Merz.

Oh, so now that Israel has attacked Iran, it’s time for restraint? Not before. Not during. After. Like a guy who throws the first punch in a bar fight and then shouts, “Hey! Let’s all calm down!”

Both Macron and Merz say that Iran brought this on itself by enriching uranium. That’s like this: you’ve got a neighbor who lifts weights in his home gym. You see him through the window with a squat rack, bench press, treadmill – getting jacked. And you’re like, “Wow, he’s getting so ripped I’m afraid he might beat me up someday. So I better go over there now and beat him up while I still can.”

That’s basically what Israel did with its “preemptive” strike. And Macron and Merz are cheering it on like, “Totally! That guy was getting too buff. Definitely deserved a missile to the face.”

Then Merz added from the G7 summit in Canada: “This is the dirty work that Israel is doing for all of us. We are also victims of this regime.”

Oh, sorry – didn’t realize the International Atomic Energy Agency (IAEA) had hired Israel as a global bouncer. And remind us, Friedrich: where exactly did Iran touch Germany on the map? Because Europe is far more likely to be “victimized” by waves of immigration facilitated by its own lax policies, and sparked by its own support for regime change wars – like this one is shaping up to be – than by any distant centrifuge. 

European Commission President Ursula von der Leyen, the EU’s de facto queen, is now cosplaying as global playground monitor, sending all the boys to their corners.

“Europe urges all parties to exercise maximum restraint, de-escalate immediately and refrain from retaliation. A diplomatic resolution is now more urgent than ever, for the sake of the region’s stability and global security,” she wrote.

Maximum restraint? That’s rich – especially coming from someone who’s usually all about blowing €800 billion on weapons in bulk like a redneck doomsday cult stocking up for when Russian tanks finally roll up to the McDonald’s drive thru in Warsaw – five years from now, around 2030, she and the rest of the Eurojokers keep saying. 

“Of course I think a negotiated solution is, in the long term, the best solution,” she later said.

Sure – as long as peace doesn’t get in the way of endless proxy war in Ukraine, right?

So, is anyone in Europe offering a perspective that doesn’t sound like a hostage video scripted by Netanyahu’s PR team? Not really. The Wall Street Journal summed it up bluntly: “Europe backs Israel against Iran despite anger over Gaza.”

For actual dissent, you have to look just outside the EU.

“Israel’s attacks on our neighbor Iran are a clear provocation that disregards international law. These attacks, which come at a time when negotiations on Iran’s nuclear program are intensifying and international pressure is increasing against inhumane actions targeting Gaza, demonstrate Israel’s rule-breaking mentality. The Netanyahu administration is trying to drag our region and the entire world into disaster with its reckless, aggressive and lawless actions,” wrote Turkish President Recep Erdoğan from right next door to the EU clown tent. 

Türkiye has been waiting to join the EU since 1999 – like an Amazon package left on the doorstep, permanently. Gee, wonder why. You’d think that when things get this hot, Europe might welcome some diverse opinions – if only to avoid sounding like a chorus line of brain-dead sock puppets mouthing press releases from the Israeli defense ministry.

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