The negative people in your life are making you get older faster. Here’s how to handle them

Got a nagging father-in-law? What almost a grumpy co-worker? Or maybe it's that roomy who hounds you ceaselessly almost how to decent load the dishwasher.

Put them together and they have something in common: they're hasslers.

And combined, they may be slowly, steadily shaving years off your life and putting you at a higher risk of developing chronic disease, according to a new study on the phenomenon known as hassling — those negative influences in your social circles.  

The observational study, published in February in the journal Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, mapped the social networks of more than 2,000 people, asking specific questions to draw out who were sources of support and who were sources of stress.

Participants submitted saliva samples so the researchers could track epigenetic markers, key metrics for how quickly your body is aging. The epigenetic clocks — how aging is measured at cellular level — of people with hasslers in their life showed that their bodies were an average of nine months older than their biological age. And the effects were cumulative: each additional hassler sped up aging by about 1.5 per cent per year.

“These negative ties and other features of relationships affect someone's pace of aging and how much wear and tear they have on their body,” one of the study’s lead authors, Brea Perry, told The Current.

And there's a lot of negative energy out there.

The study found about 30 per cent of participants had a hassler, defined by Perry as someone who "takes more than they give."

Most of the hasslers in the study were family members, although co-workers and roommates are also examples. Friends can be hasslers, too, Perry said, but there were fewer examples in the study. She suggested that may be because people are more likely to cut ties with a toxic friend than they are a family member.

That adds to the stress, Perry said, because these aren't relationships one can easily escape.

“We feel a really strong sense of obligation to maintain those ties or to spend time with those people,” said Perry, a sociologist at Indiana University. €œIt's hard to escape that conflict and that takes a biological toll."

Stress can create long-term health impacts: 'It's all about how you cope,' says psychologist

That biological toll is likely a result of the body’s exposure to a chronic source of stress, the study suggests. It can raise cortisol levels, inflammation, symptoms of depression and anxiety, and lower the immune system, all of which, when sustained over time, have detrimental effects on cardiovascular health and lifespan. 

“It can actually take days for that stress response to [drop] and for your body to go back to normal,” Perry said. €œAnd when you experience that chronically, over and over again, it has this long-term effect on the body.”

Sam McCoy remembers that feeling. Two years ago, the Atlanta mother shared a video on social media about toxic friendships. It took off, sparking a wider conversation about the harmful effects hasslers can have.

In her case, these friends were perennially in crisis mode and it was draining her.

“I felt like I was walking on eggshells, right?” she said. €œI didn’t know when I was going to crunch on an eggshell and cause this person either to spiral emotionally, to be angry or shut down.”

When she explored those feelings, a therapist suggested her nervous system was trying to protect her. 

“They shared this concept with me of: ‘If you walk into a room and you feel butterflies, or you have that kind of tingling internal sensation, it’s actually your body saying something's not right.'”

Her instincts — that women are more likely to have hasslers in their lives — are reflected in the study’s data. 

Women are conditioned to be maternal, she said.

“Our natural instinct that is emphasized through society pressures is to be a nurturing person, you know, ‘Go to them and help and try to take care of them,’” even if it causes you stress, McCoy said. 

Solutions for dealing with the hassler in your life? Boundaries and communication.

“Having open communication with people that you have conflict with … and if it’s someone, you know, like a parent, you could potentially go to therapy,” said Perry.

Sometimes hasslers might be parents who are overstepping, falling back into adult-child roles. Reminding them that you're an adult and can ask for advice if it's needed may help create a healthier dynamic.

“And if none of that works [and] they're just like a really negative person, I think you could set boundaries,” said Perry.

Nicole Perry, an Edmonton-based clinical psychologist who is of no relation to Brea Perry, said that she regularly sees clients when a relationship is leading to burnout.

Understanding the history of those relationships and how a person developed “people pleasing” as a coping mechanism can be the first step in unlearning the behaviour, the author of The Boundaried Therapist said.

It often stems from childhood experiences, she said, if a parent had a mental health issue or other stressor that could prompt prioritizing someone else’s feelings. 

“Kids are really creative and adaptive and they sort of do what's needed in a family dynamic,” she said — but she also reassures her clients that they were “just a kid and that level of responsibility was never fair.”

When she coaches people on boundary setting, she suggests they practise on those with whom they already feel safe. That way, they’ll have a positive experience and can start to see that caring for themselves can actually strengthen a relationship. 

And it's important to follow through on the boundaries once they've been set, Perry said. For example, if you tell a loved one you won't continue a conversation if it involves yelling, then you need to be prepared to stand up and walk away.

“I don't think of boundaries just as ‘no’s’ or keeping distance," Perry said.

"It's making room for a closer relationship, a relationship that doesn't have resentment as part of it because you're sharing something of yourself.”

And if people keep pushing those boundaries, well, it's time to cut them out, said McCoy.

“It is probably the most simple advice, but it is the hardest advice to follow."

Senior writer

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